BOOK REPORT: One Big Happy Family

One Big Happy Family edited by Rebecca Walker

This book is a compellation of essays by 18 different writers about their families. Readers get a glimpse into the lives of “polyamory, open adoption, mixed marriage, househusbandry, single motherhood and other realities of truly modern love.” I can’t say I agree with all of the chosen lifestyles, but I did enjoy the journey through families very different from my own. I found a lot a can agree with and some things that definitely challenged me. The Vachons of Equally Shared Parenting even made a cameo.

I would recommend this as a good read for those who are exploring just what they want their family to be. It can be a challenge to re-imagine what a family is. The Bible says “. . . man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 NIV). This coming together is creating a new thing, a new family. One that can take all the good from both their families and create something entirely new. The challenge is to learn from the less-than-good things and implement that learning into the functioning of the new family. Our pre-marital counselor started the discussion of what our families are and were. This exercise has grown into an ongoing conversation of how we want our new family to function.

Polyamory, not for us, but does seem to work for Jenny Block and her spouse. Open adoption or househusbandry, now those could be an option. It is interesting to see an exploration of different family systems; it is refreshing for them to be presented by those who believe in them the most. Overall a pleasant read and a nice break from strictly adoption related material.

--K

Hurry Up! Wait! Faster! Stop!

It was on film sets that I got used to the "hurry up and wait" work ethic. You may have experienced it yourself. I have certainly found it taking various forms in other parts of my life (doctor's offices, concerts, theatrical productions, pregnancy, the adoption process).

On a film set, you have these groups of people, and each group has a very specialized task that no-one else can do and everyone else is dependent on them doing. There are times the entire production will come to a grinding halt for the want of a light bulb. If your job Light Bulb Technician, then when that light goes out, you become the most important person on the set. And you, not wanting to waste anyone's time, rush over to said light bulb and work as fast and hard as you can so that everyone else can return to work. With your job done, you go back to your corner and wait for another light bulb to go out.

Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait.

We've done our part. And now we're waiting. We're doing our best to stay busy and productive, but there's only so much you can do and we're really darn close to that point. We're filling out paper work and gathering important documents so that if and when we get the call, we'll be ready for our home study.

When we first made the decision to adopt, we buzzed every which way, gathering everything we could. We didn't want to be caught unprepared for the fastest adoption process ever. But now we have everything we need. We could bring home a child tomorrow and would only want for a few extra changes of clothes (as we don't know the size or age of the child we'll be adding to our family, we've only bought a few outfits, a couple in various sizes).

But now we wait.

Will the call come tomorrow?

We wait.

We wait.

We wait.

-=S

BOOK REPORTS:

You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley.

I paid full price for this book, new from Barnes and Noble. I love the feel of getting to be the first person to open a book. To be the first to crease the spine. It is a rare treat to read a NEW book when one’s DH works at a used book store. It must be savored. So I have taken a really (embarrassingly) long time finishing this book. That is my excuse and I am sticking with it. It was worth the money.

This is a good getting-started-in-the-adoption-process book. This book breaks down the process step by step – Can I do this? Domestic vs. international? Where to start? What do I do with the child once I get him/her? What could go wrong? It is broken up into nice short sections. Question then answer. And check lists, oh how I love lists. Interspersed with that is pictures of ADORABLE babies and stories about real adoptions. The stories really ground the book, which can be a bit intimidating, in a sense that this will all work out in the end. I would recommend it.

Equally Shared Parenting, by Marc and Amy Vachon

On the other hand, having a DH who works at a used book store means that I can get LOTS of books really cheap. (Not that that fact has stopped either of us from buying brand new, full price children’s books.) It is a luxury to pick up a book just because you like the cover art with only pennies committed to the purchase price. That is the case with Equally Share Parenting. I honestly picked it up because it has shoes on it. Three pairs of converse – two adult sized and one child sized pair of converse. I might like shoes nearly as much as books.

Equally Share Parenting sets out a paradigm for managing one’s family that really is equal between both partners, not just a division of roles. One partner is not an apprentice housekeeper or second-string wage earner. Both parents are expected to take full ownership of all household, breadwinning and child rearing tasks. Both parents are expected to be equally competent at all tasks. This frees both parents to enjoy time with their family.

Sounds like having your cake and eating it too. The trick is prioritizing the family over an individual career or certain wage level. Both partners are encouraged to be “artisan” workers so they can bargain for fewer hours or flexible work schedules rather than more money and increasing responsibility. Corporate America beware: you might not like workers who use their bargaining chips for less work time rather than more money. Equally Share Parenting teaches balanced living with a focus on living within one’s means. Honestly, who can argue with that? Who really needs a wipe warmer?

The tag line is “Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents.” I’m not sure it is a new idea, but the Vachons articulated it well. I would recommend it.

--K

Keeping Busy

Waiting. I don’t like it. I have never really been a patient person. Creative? Yes. Ingenuity? I’ve got that. Patience? Not so much. I am a do-er. The quickest way to get something done is to tell me that it can’t be done or that it will take forever. So waiting on a baby in a situation that is utterly beyond my control is nerve wracking (wrecking? either is applicable).

I find myself going back to God multiple times a day and giving this whole adoption thing back to him. “Sorry, God, I know I said I trusted you to take care of this and gave it over to you, but I forgot and took it back again. Here it is again. I know you will take care of it. I trust in your plan which is bigger and better than anything I could think of.” Repeat. My mom says I have “control issues.” I guess she may be right, don’t tell her though. At least I am praying.

It this state of __________ (insert word for: excitement, anxiety, upheaval, tension, and impatience) I find myself making lists. List of items baby needs. List of items I say baby needs but really I want. List of items we already have and no longer need/want. List of items we don’t have. List of people/organizations that I have talked with or need to talk to who might connect us to a birth mother. List of topics to research further. Look at that. I just made a list of lists.

Waiting is hard. But I do find this time very exciting and full of hope. Like something really big is about to happen. I really appreciate all of the prayers and thoughts from all of our friends and family.

-K

Status Updates

Attorney: I emailed questions to the paralegal who talked with Scott yesterday. I have about 10 billion questions, but (I promise)I kept my email short. I heard back from her pretty quick (I like that customer service). Let's call her Ruth for her privacy. Ruth said that she has mailed our profile letter along with others for this mother to review. She does not anticipate it taking long for the mother to make a decision since she is due in April. Ruth said that she would not normally let us know that she is sending out our profile. People tend to get prematurely excited if they know every step along the way, but had to contact us to determine if we were willing to consider the yearly visitations requested by the mother. I am glad to know that Ruth has us on her mind and is actively showing our profile. She sounded like she was rooting for us.

Finding a Pediatrician: I have asked around and have the name of a female doctor who was recommended by several trusted people in different spheres of my life. The office said for adopted babies it is best to wait until the baby is here to do an interview with the doctor. One of my pregnant friends is going to interview this doctor next month for her daughter and will let me send questions with her.

Room Preparation: We have chosen a color for the one wall that we are going to paint. It is called "Chocolate Sundae" and looks like fudge. Also I allowed myself to look at cribs and found one that I am very happy with. Maybe the Easter bunny will get it for me!

Needed: I am looking for a book on raising an adopted child that covers topics like bonding, talking about adoption and where babies come from. Also I would love to find any children's books from infant to school age that help kids learn about adoption.

-K

Possible Nibble

Got a call from the attorney's office today. There is a mother who is due in April who is looking to put her child up for adoption. We don't know a lot about her. We know she's going to be having a girl and that she's coming from a biracial relationship. The biological mother hails (originally) from Kentucky but now lives here in Tennessee. The mother is interested in being able to visit her child once a year. The attorney's office called to ask if we were comfortable with that.

I never realized how strong the word "comfortable" is. Because to describe the idea of getting together, once a year, with a woman we don't know but gave birth to the child we now call "daughter" is just about the furthest thing from comfortable that I can think of. As soon as the question was asked, fears of the mother falling back in love with her child sprang to mind.

"There's no guarantee that the mother will follow up on this request," our attorney said, as if reading my mind.

"Comfortable is such a strong word," I said and she laughed.

But this process has never been about comfort. It's uncomfortable to admit to your spouse that you don't know why you're not getting pregnant. The word infertility is an awful, awful word to ever say out loud (maybe only trumped by hearing it). It's not comfortable telling your friends and family that you're considering adoption. It's not comfortable browsing for books on adoption. The only part of this process that is comforting is knowing that we are opening our hearts and our home to a child that needs us. And that thought leads to the comfort of knowing that God is with us on this and He has a long history of adoption and will help us through this -- including leading the right child into our home.

"Do it," I said. "Send her our letter."

She might not like us. She might take one look at our book and say, "they're not raising my child!" She might choose someone else -- someone who reminds her of her family or someone with slightly similar ideals and aspirations or someone richer. Or she might meet us and go, "those two people are the most opinionated people I have ever met. No. Way."

But that's her choice to make. I'm not going to take that choice away from her because of one uncomfortable detail. Many of these uncomfortable things have already gone away and many more of them will go away once we're on the other side of this. Either way, I haven't seen my comfort zone in about two years and I'm not making any plans to ever return there.

So that's where we're at right now. It's not quite a nibble, but it's a potential nibble. We'll see if she bites and then we'll go from there.

Don't pray that she chooses us. Pray that she makes the right decision and that her child winds up in the right home. Pray that the right child finds our home. I would love it if this was the one, because that would make this process so much quicker and easier than any of the books led us to believe it would be. But I'm more concerned for the child. I want her to find the right fit more than I want her placed in my home. But, if you're not, please pray for us. We'd really appreciate it. And if you already are, thank-you.

Bookity Book-Book-Books

Kelly has this weakness. And I know what it is. And like any loving husband, I exploit that weakness like I'm Lex Luthor with a treasure trove of Kryptonite every single chance I get. If you haven't guessed what it is yet, then you probably didn't read the title to this particular post.

She loves the books. She cannot turn a good-looking book down. So tonight, while she was shoe-shopping, I was browsing Books-A-Million because, despite working in a used book store, anything is better than shoe shopping*. After she was done, she came to pick me up. And before we could leave, she had to take a field trip into children's book section. Mind you, we haven't a child. We haven't even a lead. But that didn't stop us from spending over fifty dollars on childrens' books tonight.

I love illustrated books and will pay top dollar for a book with gorgeous art. So I kept adding to the pile in her arms (maybe too rambunctiously, as Kelly went on to elbow the entire contents of a shelf onto the floor). While she would read the books I handed her, I would hand her more books. We had to sort through them in the end and eventually settled on three: Cloudette, by Tom Lichtenheld; I Love You Through and Through, by Bernadette Rossetti Shustak; and The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn.

I love that Kelly is a comparison-shopper. She's not afraid to rummage through bins at Ross or wait until that jacket at that store in the mall goes on sale. But when it comes to books . . . she can't say no.

* I say that, but the last time we went shoe-shopping, it was I, not her, who found her the perfect pair of shoes. I went to art school. I know good craftsmanship when I see it.