Possible Nibble

Got a call from the attorney's office today. There is a mother who is due in April who is looking to put her child up for adoption. We don't know a lot about her. We know she's going to be having a girl and that she's coming from a biracial relationship. The biological mother hails (originally) from Kentucky but now lives here in Tennessee. The mother is interested in being able to visit her child once a year. The attorney's office called to ask if we were comfortable with that.

I never realized how strong the word "comfortable" is. Because to describe the idea of getting together, once a year, with a woman we don't know but gave birth to the child we now call "daughter" is just about the furthest thing from comfortable that I can think of. As soon as the question was asked, fears of the mother falling back in love with her child sprang to mind.

"There's no guarantee that the mother will follow up on this request," our attorney said, as if reading my mind.

"Comfortable is such a strong word," I said and she laughed.

But this process has never been about comfort. It's uncomfortable to admit to your spouse that you don't know why you're not getting pregnant. The word infertility is an awful, awful word to ever say out loud (maybe only trumped by hearing it). It's not comfortable telling your friends and family that you're considering adoption. It's not comfortable browsing for books on adoption. The only part of this process that is comforting is knowing that we are opening our hearts and our home to a child that needs us. And that thought leads to the comfort of knowing that God is with us on this and He has a long history of adoption and will help us through this -- including leading the right child into our home.

"Do it," I said. "Send her our letter."

She might not like us. She might take one look at our book and say, "they're not raising my child!" She might choose someone else -- someone who reminds her of her family or someone with slightly similar ideals and aspirations or someone richer. Or she might meet us and go, "those two people are the most opinionated people I have ever met. No. Way."

But that's her choice to make. I'm not going to take that choice away from her because of one uncomfortable detail. Many of these uncomfortable things have already gone away and many more of them will go away once we're on the other side of this. Either way, I haven't seen my comfort zone in about two years and I'm not making any plans to ever return there.

So that's where we're at right now. It's not quite a nibble, but it's a potential nibble. We'll see if she bites and then we'll go from there.

Don't pray that she chooses us. Pray that she makes the right decision and that her child winds up in the right home. Pray that the right child finds our home. I would love it if this was the one, because that would make this process so much quicker and easier than any of the books led us to believe it would be. But I'm more concerned for the child. I want her to find the right fit more than I want her placed in my home. But, if you're not, please pray for us. We'd really appreciate it. And if you already are, thank-you.

the waiting game

There is an old episode of The Simpsons in which Homer buys a plow. He christens himself "Mister Plow," and puts together a commercial telling all of Springfield that he'll plow their driveways and their roads when they get snowed in. The family watches the commercial on television and afterwards, Homer says, "Well, John Q Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"

Me and Homer are of like minds*. I do not like the waiting game. The calm before the storm makes me nervous. The night before a film shoot is a restless one. I do not like waiting; I like doing. I do not like guessing; I like making informed decisions. While I appreciate surprises and enjoy spontaneity, I generally like to have a plan laid out before me.

I dropped two copies of our "Dear Birth Mother" books off at the attorney's yesterday and now we . . . wait? Wait for good news? Wait for the attorney to find someone for us to meet? All we really can do is get the word out there that we're looking to adopt. Beyond that, it's just . . . waiting. Waiting for a friend to run into someone. Waiting to overhear a conversation. Waiting for a social worker to contact our attorney. Waiting to make the right connection with the right person who'll put us in touch with our baby.

Kelly is much better at turning restless energy into productive energy (as you can see from her previous posts). I find myself playing more video games and watching more movies (and as I already have an unhealthy obsession with sitting on my butt, I need to find a new way to distract myself). Perhaps I'll go for a walk. Or a hike. Or a swim.

But tonight, after I've walked, hiked, swam or whatevered . . . I'll still be playing the waiting game. And the waiting game sucks.

* A sentence that will send shivers down my English major wife's back.

And now we wait....

We have finally finished our Dear Birth Mother letter (profile book) and received the printed copies back from blurb.com. They are just lovely (safely wrapped in plastic too!). Scott did a fantastic layout job and Blurb did a nice job with the printing and binding. Only found one typo post printing, but that was our fault. Sigh.

We wrote the letter to the attorney tonight to accompany the two profile books that he will keep on file to share with potential birth mothers. The letter to the attorney included a list of what kind of child we are looking for including age, race, gender and any disabilities we would potentially consider.

It is disconcerting to so definitively rule out a child who may have a physical or mental handicap. To think that with a few key strokes were are effectively turning our backs on a child who definitely needs a home hurts the heart. We've said that we don't want to take the gamble of doing IVF, but it seems even a normal, biological pregnancy is a gamble in some sense. Biological parents pray for a healthy child, but don't really know what they are going to get. Boy or girl, tall or short, healthy or not. Adoptive parents get the opportunity to rule out or accept the responsibilities associated with a special needs child, biological parents don't really get that option. Is that option the trade off for raising a child that might not look like you? Is it ethical to say no to child based on a list of fears? Is it wrong to say, "This is our first child. We don't know how to be parents yet. Infertility and adoption are hard enough as it is. Please just let us start with a healthy infant."? It must be okay to acknowledge our own weaknesses enough to say "This may be too much," or "I'm not sure we can handle that." Thoughts to ponder.

We finally decided, for now, a healthy infant under 12 months old, either boy or girl, any race is okay with us. We will leave everything else to God. He will bring us the child who needs us and who we need. We have two more copies of the profile book to share with anyone we may meet. So as soon as that packet is delivered to the attorney we have done really all we can do, except wait. And try not to fret.

So what do we do in the mean time? I vote for:

1. Pray for the birth mother and our baby wherever they may be.
2. Continue to collect children's books and necessary baby items. I have already finished refurbishing a high chair. Maybe Baby Micah will test it out to make sure it is nice and comfy. There is a pack of diapers, wipes, and powder ready to go. And a few sleep outfits are hanging in the closet.
3. Paint the guest room a.k.a. future nursery.
4. Cuddle all of my friends' sweet, sweet babies.

So now our job is to tell everyone we know that we are looking for a baby and encourage them to tell everyone they know too. It could be next month or it could be a long wait. Sigh.

-K

Profile Letter, part 7: Our Promise To You

Part 7: Our Promise To You

This little one will be brought up in a warm and nurturing home. They will be cuddled and loved and cherished and cuddled some more. They will have friends to play with; aunts, uncles and cousins to inspire them; and grandparents who will spoil them rotten.

We will do everything to see to it that this little one has everything they need. We can’t guarantee that she will have everything she wants, but she will have everything she needs. No sacrifice is too great if it ensures the best we can provide for our baby.

We promise to read to him.

We promise to take her on walks.

We promise a bedtime story every single night.

We promise to teach him how to ride a bike.

We promise to answer all her questions -- if we don't know the answers,

we'll look them up and learn with her.

We promise the best education we can find.

We promise softball, piano lessons, football, basketball, dance class

or whatever else he might be interested in.

We promise patience and kindness.

We promise unlimited, unconditional love.

We might not know who you are, but know we are already praying for you. We can't pretend to know what you're going through, but we want to thank you for carrying this baby and doing the best you can for it.

We really can't thank you enough for sharing this child with us. You're making our dreams come true and we'll do everything we can to make this little one's dreams come true, too.

Thank you for considering us.

- Scott & Kelly

Profile Letter, part 6: Our Friends

Part 6: Our Friends

Our wonderful friends are a huge part of our lives. We are part of a group of eight couples who get together most Friday nights for food and fellowship. Many weekends are spent playing games or camping with this big group. There are currently three couples who will soon be parents; all within three months of each other! Some of these friends are new, but some have been close since high school. It is a wonderful group that supports and prays for each other.

And tomorrow: Our Promise To You

Profile Letter, part 5: Our Family

Part 5: Our Family

We are lucky to live close to a large portion of our family. Both sets of our parents live in Chattanooga and are actually only about two miles away from each other.

Kelly’s mom (Carol) and stepfather (Jim) have been married for 15 years. Carol, who wants to be called Mimi, is a stay-at-home mom and can’t wait to cuddle her first grandbaby. Grandpa Jim works in a hospital and tries to spend as much time as he can snowboarding. Kelly’s stepsister (Heather) now lives in Jackson, Tennessee, after spending three years working as teacher in Taiwan.

Kelly has a large network of aunts, uncles, and cousins nearby. Each summer, fall, and Christmas they get together in the north Georgia mountains for a big pitch-in meal. It's always a boisterous event with lots of food and laughter.

Scott has a large extended family as well, but they're scattered all across the the US. Scott’s parents (Tom and Lauree) have been married for 33 years. Tom is the principal of a small elementary school and Lauree works at a nearby university. Their house is a cozy one surrounded by a big yard with lots of flowers and charming little nooks -- perfect for hiding away in and reading a good book. There is a big swing in the backyard ready for the first grandchild to swing on.

Scott is the oldest and his younger brother (Marshall) is 20. Marshall is in school right now taking psychology. Scott and Marshall like to play video games and go to movies together.

And tomorrow: Our Friends

Profile Letter, part 4: Our Home

Part 4: Our Home

We moved into our house in 2007. It is a one-story, yellow house that sits in a quiet neighborhood. We are situated about 15 minutes from downtown and about 15 minutes from the country. Our house has three bedrooms; one is Scott's office and one is waiting for our baby. We already have a small library of children’s books waiting.

Our friends call our house "the ark" because of all of our animals. Somehow we have collected a group of animals that loves to cuddle. It's not uncommon to find all six of us on the couch watching a TV show. Our cats are Desmond and Scarlett and our dogs are Gwen and Mister Tumnus.

And tomorrow: Our Family

Profile Letter, part 3: Why Kelly Will Be A Great Mama

Part 3: "Why Kelly Will Be A Great Mama," by Scott

Kelly is the most amazing person I've ever met – I know I’m supposed to say that, I’m her husband. But I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. And before I tell you what kind of mama she’s going to be, I need you to understand what kind of woman Kelly is.

She has somehow figured out how to be ever-optimistic and ever-hopeful while remaining completely realistic. I honestly don’t know how she does it. She’s down to earth and heaven-

minded. Most people I know live in one extreme or the other.

Most people say “moderation in all things.” Kelly lives it – which

is why it was no surprise to me that Kelly was such a fantastic camp counselor.

For an entire summer, she was responsible for fourteen girls. Every week it was a new group, and every week, the group was a little older. But it didn’t matter if her campers were six years old or 16 years old. She corralled them. She taught them. She laughed with them, and when the boys were mean to them, Kelly cried with them. When they misbehaved or broke the rules, Kelly saw to it that the punishment fit the crime. Kelly’s campers never considered her strict, but they knew where she stood. They knew that she wouldn’t let them get away with things, but they also knew she was willing to have a lot of fun with them.

Kelly loves teaching. She’s not a teacher, but she loves to see that sparkle in a child’s eye when they've just discovered something new. She loves explaining things to them, especially if it means having to find a creative way to explain it. And as all my favorite teachers were, Kelly is patient. She wants to help children learn but also wants them to learn it for themselves. So she’ll patiently guide them, holding their hand, but letting them discover what new lesson life has for them.

Kelly’s a hard worker. I’ve never seen someone more determined to get something done and to get it done right. She always has a project she’s working on. When she volunteers to do something, she’s often the first person there and the last one to leave. I don’t think she knows how to cut corners. When it comes time to raise a child, she is going to do whatever it takes to give that child everything he or she needs – whatever that might be.

I could write a book about Kelly, but all I really want you to know is that Kelly has been the best part of my life for the past 10 years, and when I imagine what the best mother in the world looks like, I see her.

And tomorrow: Our Home

Profile Letter, part 2: Why Scott will be a Great Papa

Part 2: "Why Scott Will Be A Great Papa," by Kelly

The first time I ever saw Scott, it was across the cafeteria, and it was love at first sight.

He was standing in a group of friends talking and laughing. It was his laugh that was so attractive, even from across the room. When I think of Scott the first thing that comes to mind is laughter. He gets these crinkles around his eyes when he laughs that light up his blue eyes. He loves to make jokes and tease people to make them laugh. He is ultimately a flirt, but he doesn’t know it. He just relishes bringing a smile to someone’s day.

Scott has never-ending creativity. Every day, and I mean every day, he comes to me saying, “I had an idea today.” Scott writes something every day. Sometimes it is a blog and sometimes it is a movie. The days he is most excited about are the days he can shoot a film.

Scott is a strong man. He knows when to stand up for his beliefs or defend his family. He has the capacity to see both sides of an issue and is willing to call someone out when they need it. Scott is also a sensitive man. As we have dreamed of growing our family, I have seen a strength and depth of emotion that has touched my heart. Scott is a man who wants a family and who will live his life to ensure his children are nurtured.

Scott will be a wonderful father because he is such a kindhearted man, because he makes life so fun, and because he is such a genuine person. Scott is the same dorky, funny guy no matter where you meet him. He might not be a morning person, but if he gets any chance to make a pun, (even if it is 7 A.M.) he will take it! I love Scott for the energy and joy that he brings to our lives. He also brings a steady peace to our home. He keeps me grounded and makes me laugh, every day. He reminds me when to thank God for the blessings we have and celebrate life.

And tomorrow: "Why Kelly Will Be A Great Mama," by Scott

Profile Letter, part 1: Dear Birth Mother

We wanted our letter to the birth mother to impress her on all levels. Not only did we want the contents of the letter to accurately reflect who we are and what kinds of parents we would be, but we wanted the presentation of the letter to reflect our high standards and be an expression of our artistic creativity. So we decided to put together a book. Using Blurb's BookSmart builder, we put together a 20-page book for our attorney to give the birth mother.

It's a seven "part" book, and over the course of the next seven days, we'll share a part a day.

Part 1: Dear Birth Mother

A family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit. -Marge Kennedy

Dear Birth Mother,

Our names are Scott and Kelly.

First of all, thank you for considering us to be your baby’s Papa and Mama. Of all the things we are, the one thing we want most is to be parents. We have been unable to get pregnant and look

forward to the time when we will have a little one in our arms. We believe that the home and family we have been blessed with would be a great place to raise a family.

We have given it careful consideration and know that fertility treatments are not for us; not when we can open our home to a child who needs us. Adoption is something that we have always known we would do. We are excited and just a bit scared as we walk this path. Thank you for going on this journey with us and for being an answer to our prayers.

We look forward to cuddling with our baby and watching him or her grow. We can’t wait to help her learn about the world. We are excited to teach him how to read and ride a bike and take a picture.

We are creative, artistic people. Scott is a writer who works as the Video Game Director at a local store, but his real passion is writing and movie making. Kelly works at an insurance company but has created a second job for herself as a wedding and portrait photographer. Photography started as a hobby, but has transformed into a small business. Many nights and weekends are spent working on small craft projects or rehearsing for Scott's next short film.

We first met working at Christian youth summer camp in Georgia. We started dating that summer and have been together ever since. We were married in December 2005. Considering the time we dated and the 5 years we have been married, we have been together nearly 10 years now.

As Christians we strive to live a life of acceptance, tolerance and love. We do our best to live balanced lives according to Biblical teachings. We love to debate politics, religion, economics and philosophies with each other. We seek out creative art and media that speaks to the truth of human life. We like to travel and meet new people and try new foods.

Our home is warm and welcoming. We have two cats and two dogs who provide a never-ending parade of laughter.

Each Friday night we gather with friends for food and fellowship. On Saturdays we go to church and spend the rest of the day resting and relaxing with family. We both work full-time during the week and still find lots of time to spend with our family and friends.

And tomorrow: "Why Scott will be a Great Papa," by Kelly