Status Updates

Attorney: I emailed questions to the paralegal who talked with Scott yesterday. I have about 10 billion questions, but (I promise)I kept my email short. I heard back from her pretty quick (I like that customer service). Let's call her Ruth for her privacy. Ruth said that she has mailed our profile letter along with others for this mother to review. She does not anticipate it taking long for the mother to make a decision since she is due in April. Ruth said that she would not normally let us know that she is sending out our profile. People tend to get prematurely excited if they know every step along the way, but had to contact us to determine if we were willing to consider the yearly visitations requested by the mother. I am glad to know that Ruth has us on her mind and is actively showing our profile. She sounded like she was rooting for us.

Finding a Pediatrician: I have asked around and have the name of a female doctor who was recommended by several trusted people in different spheres of my life. The office said for adopted babies it is best to wait until the baby is here to do an interview with the doctor. One of my pregnant friends is going to interview this doctor next month for her daughter and will let me send questions with her.

Room Preparation: We have chosen a color for the one wall that we are going to paint. It is called "Chocolate Sundae" and looks like fudge. Also I allowed myself to look at cribs and found one that I am very happy with. Maybe the Easter bunny will get it for me!

Needed: I am looking for a book on raising an adopted child that covers topics like bonding, talking about adoption and where babies come from. Also I would love to find any children's books from infant to school age that help kids learn about adoption.

-K

Possible Nibble

Got a call from the attorney's office today. There is a mother who is due in April who is looking to put her child up for adoption. We don't know a lot about her. We know she's going to be having a girl and that she's coming from a biracial relationship. The biological mother hails (originally) from Kentucky but now lives here in Tennessee. The mother is interested in being able to visit her child once a year. The attorney's office called to ask if we were comfortable with that.

I never realized how strong the word "comfortable" is. Because to describe the idea of getting together, once a year, with a woman we don't know but gave birth to the child we now call "daughter" is just about the furthest thing from comfortable that I can think of. As soon as the question was asked, fears of the mother falling back in love with her child sprang to mind.

"There's no guarantee that the mother will follow up on this request," our attorney said, as if reading my mind.

"Comfortable is such a strong word," I said and she laughed.

But this process has never been about comfort. It's uncomfortable to admit to your spouse that you don't know why you're not getting pregnant. The word infertility is an awful, awful word to ever say out loud (maybe only trumped by hearing it). It's not comfortable telling your friends and family that you're considering adoption. It's not comfortable browsing for books on adoption. The only part of this process that is comforting is knowing that we are opening our hearts and our home to a child that needs us. And that thought leads to the comfort of knowing that God is with us on this and He has a long history of adoption and will help us through this -- including leading the right child into our home.

"Do it," I said. "Send her our letter."

She might not like us. She might take one look at our book and say, "they're not raising my child!" She might choose someone else -- someone who reminds her of her family or someone with slightly similar ideals and aspirations or someone richer. Or she might meet us and go, "those two people are the most opinionated people I have ever met. No. Way."

But that's her choice to make. I'm not going to take that choice away from her because of one uncomfortable detail. Many of these uncomfortable things have already gone away and many more of them will go away once we're on the other side of this. Either way, I haven't seen my comfort zone in about two years and I'm not making any plans to ever return there.

So that's where we're at right now. It's not quite a nibble, but it's a potential nibble. We'll see if she bites and then we'll go from there.

Don't pray that she chooses us. Pray that she makes the right decision and that her child winds up in the right home. Pray that the right child finds our home. I would love it if this was the one, because that would make this process so much quicker and easier than any of the books led us to believe it would be. But I'm more concerned for the child. I want her to find the right fit more than I want her placed in my home. But, if you're not, please pray for us. We'd really appreciate it. And if you already are, thank-you.

Bookity Book-Book-Books

Kelly has this weakness. And I know what it is. And like any loving husband, I exploit that weakness like I'm Lex Luthor with a treasure trove of Kryptonite every single chance I get. If you haven't guessed what it is yet, then you probably didn't read the title to this particular post.

She loves the books. She cannot turn a good-looking book down. So tonight, while she was shoe-shopping, I was browsing Books-A-Million because, despite working in a used book store, anything is better than shoe shopping*. After she was done, she came to pick me up. And before we could leave, she had to take a field trip into children's book section. Mind you, we haven't a child. We haven't even a lead. But that didn't stop us from spending over fifty dollars on childrens' books tonight.

I love illustrated books and will pay top dollar for a book with gorgeous art. So I kept adding to the pile in her arms (maybe too rambunctiously, as Kelly went on to elbow the entire contents of a shelf onto the floor). While she would read the books I handed her, I would hand her more books. We had to sort through them in the end and eventually settled on three: Cloudette, by Tom Lichtenheld; I Love You Through and Through, by Bernadette Rossetti Shustak; and The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn.

I love that Kelly is a comparison-shopper. She's not afraid to rummage through bins at Ross or wait until that jacket at that store in the mall goes on sale. But when it comes to books . . . she can't say no.

* I say that, but the last time we went shoe-shopping, it was I, not her, who found her the perfect pair of shoes. I went to art school. I know good craftsmanship when I see it.

Babies, They are a comin'

Some of our best friends had a baby this week. We have been so blessed to be allowed to be part of their pregnancy and the birth of their little baby boy. I feel so honored to be invited to come see the baby when he was only hours old. It is really neat (that is an understatement) to be so close to people that you have seen them meet, fall in love, get married, buy a house, and now have a baby. What a joy to have that kind of continuity in our lives.

Our rather large group of friends gathered at the hospital to wish the proud mom and dad congratulations the night he was born. There was a very cool excitement and energy in that room. I can’t articulate how moved I was to just be able to be a part of it. If I feel this way, no wonder they are just glowing.

I got to hold baby boy for 2 glorious hours yesterday. He was just 4 days old. He curled up in a little ball and nestled down into my arms, making little baby noises. Baby’s perfect, mama’s proud, and daddy is just smitten. He was smitten from the first moment, but it is adorable to see him cooing over this little 7 pounder. I can’t wait to see my other two friends with their babies soon.

All I can really say is “I want that.” And “I can’t wait to see Scott as a Papa.”

the waiting game

There is an old episode of The Simpsons in which Homer buys a plow. He christens himself "Mister Plow," and puts together a commercial telling all of Springfield that he'll plow their driveways and their roads when they get snowed in. The family watches the commercial on television and afterwards, Homer says, "Well, John Q Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"

Me and Homer are of like minds*. I do not like the waiting game. The calm before the storm makes me nervous. The night before a film shoot is a restless one. I do not like waiting; I like doing. I do not like guessing; I like making informed decisions. While I appreciate surprises and enjoy spontaneity, I generally like to have a plan laid out before me.

I dropped two copies of our "Dear Birth Mother" books off at the attorney's yesterday and now we . . . wait? Wait for good news? Wait for the attorney to find someone for us to meet? All we really can do is get the word out there that we're looking to adopt. Beyond that, it's just . . . waiting. Waiting for a friend to run into someone. Waiting to overhear a conversation. Waiting for a social worker to contact our attorney. Waiting to make the right connection with the right person who'll put us in touch with our baby.

Kelly is much better at turning restless energy into productive energy (as you can see from her previous posts). I find myself playing more video games and watching more movies (and as I already have an unhealthy obsession with sitting on my butt, I need to find a new way to distract myself). Perhaps I'll go for a walk. Or a hike. Or a swim.

But tonight, after I've walked, hiked, swam or whatevered . . . I'll still be playing the waiting game. And the waiting game sucks.

* A sentence that will send shivers down my English major wife's back.

Awesome Things Our Kid Needs.

So as I search the internet for all the things that a child must have, I have found some pretty cool things like the Boon Bendable Spoon. You bend it to fit your munchkin's needs as they learn to feed themselves. Even better? The bendable SPORK!

Then I think back to my childhood. I loved bath time. I had this awesome Tupperware Noah's Ark. I wonder if I could find one now? I only had the ark, Mr and Mrs. Noah and the pairs of animals. Not the extra people. Are those the sons or the sinners? hmmmm?

Then there is Brio and Lego. I had Legos for only a short time before they were sucked up into the vaccuum. Sad times. I wish I had had Brio trains. Thankfully Scott has a stash of these and Legos at his mom's house. I hope he will let me play with them unlike his action figures that I am not allowed to touch.

I realize that none of this would be useful for some time, but fun to look at and bind the time well while we wait.

Next step is to get a pediatrician lined up. I don't really know where to start on that one. I guess with my insurance. What does one look for in a pediatrician? Location? Availability? Size of practice? More on that search later.

Off to cuddle a friend's baby!

-K

And now we wait....

We have finally finished our Dear Birth Mother letter (profile book) and received the printed copies back from blurb.com. They are just lovely (safely wrapped in plastic too!). Scott did a fantastic layout job and Blurb did a nice job with the printing and binding. Only found one typo post printing, but that was our fault. Sigh.

We wrote the letter to the attorney tonight to accompany the two profile books that he will keep on file to share with potential birth mothers. The letter to the attorney included a list of what kind of child we are looking for including age, race, gender and any disabilities we would potentially consider.

It is disconcerting to so definitively rule out a child who may have a physical or mental handicap. To think that with a few key strokes were are effectively turning our backs on a child who definitely needs a home hurts the heart. We've said that we don't want to take the gamble of doing IVF, but it seems even a normal, biological pregnancy is a gamble in some sense. Biological parents pray for a healthy child, but don't really know what they are going to get. Boy or girl, tall or short, healthy or not. Adoptive parents get the opportunity to rule out or accept the responsibilities associated with a special needs child, biological parents don't really get that option. Is that option the trade off for raising a child that might not look like you? Is it ethical to say no to child based on a list of fears? Is it wrong to say, "This is our first child. We don't know how to be parents yet. Infertility and adoption are hard enough as it is. Please just let us start with a healthy infant."? It must be okay to acknowledge our own weaknesses enough to say "This may be too much," or "I'm not sure we can handle that." Thoughts to ponder.

We finally decided, for now, a healthy infant under 12 months old, either boy or girl, any race is okay with us. We will leave everything else to God. He will bring us the child who needs us and who we need. We have two more copies of the profile book to share with anyone we may meet. So as soon as that packet is delivered to the attorney we have done really all we can do, except wait. And try not to fret.

So what do we do in the mean time? I vote for:

1. Pray for the birth mother and our baby wherever they may be.
2. Continue to collect children's books and necessary baby items. I have already finished refurbishing a high chair. Maybe Baby Micah will test it out to make sure it is nice and comfy. There is a pack of diapers, wipes, and powder ready to go. And a few sleep outfits are hanging in the closet.
3. Paint the guest room a.k.a. future nursery.
4. Cuddle all of my friends' sweet, sweet babies.

So now our job is to tell everyone we know that we are looking for a baby and encourage them to tell everyone they know too. It could be next month or it could be a long wait. Sigh.

-K