Conversations

Last month’s 1-hour talk with the doctor has sparked hours of conversation, hours of thought and maybe a few tears. The doctor told us there was no reason we should not have already had a baby or at least a pregnancy. All the 2000 parts are in working order. Whew. Good news there. I guess. I had kind of hoped that there was some one small thing wrong that we could correct. Maybe hair color? The doc said redheads have a higher propensity of endometriosis. But I am not a natural redhead. If it helps through, I could be a blonde again. Or even a brunette (gasp). Nope. Nothing so simple, because there is nothing wrong.

He gave us two options. IVF and IUI. These options were no surprise. After all Scott used to work there. We know the services they sell. We’ve considered both. IVF is cost prohibitive for us. More importantly we feel called to spend that kind of money adopting a child who is already here. A child who needs our home. IVF may be for some people. Not us. Not right now.

IUI. That is a different story entirely. With insurance and our medical savings account the cost is not so intimidating. The treatment is not so invasive. We’ve decided to do it in the future. But we are not going to tell you when. We don’t want to get your hopes up; because the success rate is low. We don’t want to get our hopes up either. We don’t really want to be disappointed again.

More than 2 years ago we had a positive pregnancy test. We had an OB appointment. But we didn’t have the little flutter on the ultrasound that is a heartbeat. We had gotten excited and told our parents and friends too early. We learned that good news spreads fast, but the bad news does not disseminate so easily or quickly. It is no fun to meet acquaintances who expect you to be 6 months pregnant when you aren’t. The conversation is awkward.

We lay in bed and talked about sharing this with you, the entire world. Scott reminded me of our commitment to being honest about this journey. To crafting a blog that documents the real emotions, the good, the bad, and the vulnerable, of infertility, adoption and building a family. I reminded him about the raw hurt of having to answer follow-up questions from our well-meaning community of friends and family. So here I am writing it, because he is right. The Next Chapter is incomplete if we don’t put it all out there.

Please trust that we will let you know if it is successful. But it will be in our own time. If you don’t hear from us about it in 6 months, you can guess that it probably didn’t work. But maybe, for our sake, please don’t ask.

IUI doesn’t mean that we don’t want to adopt or that we are putting that process on hold. It just means that we are exploring our options for having a biological child. If it works, great. If it works AND we get the call for a baby to adopt, fantastic. Then there will be two (“If we have two, it will be fantastic,” Scott just said over my shoulder, “because then we’ll be four. The Fantastic Four.”).

So in conclusion, we believe in family, in community, in honesty. We believe that we can’t be the only ones going through this. So as hard as it is, as tough as it is to be vulnerable, we are committed to allowing you to be part of this journey. All we ask is that you give us your prayers and well-wishes rather than ask the follow-up question that we may not be ready to answer. Don’t worry we will let you know…

--K

The Weirdness

It was weird the first time we said it out loud. Before we said it out loud, it was just a nagging question in the back of our heads, "why aren't we getting pregnant?" We would talk about it, but in talking about it, we would never name it. We would talk about ovulation, we would discuss theories and what "some people say," but we never named it. When we finally did, it was supremely weird.

Infertility.

It belongs to those set of words that don't ever apply to you. They belong to someone else. Other people have their house broken into, not me. Other people get mugged, not me. Other people overdose, not me. Other people are molested, not me. Other people are raped, not me. Other people are diabetic, not me. Other people run into celebrities, not me. But . . . apparently . . . other people get pregnant, not us.

I must stop this blog right here and now to say we do not hold that against anybody. While every pregnancy announcement is tinged in just a bit of sadness and jealousy on our part, we have nothing but joy and excitement for you. Please do not feel bad for us. We can't do anything with your pity so please, don't waste yours on us. I actually had someone apologize to me recently because she was pregnant and we still weren't. Please, please, do not apologize. You have nothing to feel bad about. The point of this blog is not to throw a pity party for the Foggs. It is to chronicle our journey through particular point in our life, to let people know what's going on, and (hopefully) let others know that they're not alone.

Now where was I? Ah yes. The weirdness.

It was weird when we first said the "I" word. It was weird when we admitted it to our parents. It was weird the first time we told our friends. But the weirdness has abated. It's just life now. It's just a part of who we are. It's not something we think about on an hourly basis (I'd like to say it's not something we don't think about on a daily basis, but that's just not true). Every once in a while, though, the weirdness is brought back up and rubbed in our faces. Today was one of those days.

We went to The Fertility Center today. It wasn't weird that I used to work there. It wasn't weird that I still know people who work there. It was weird being somewhere where everyone knows what's wrong with you. If I'm at work, I'm just that friendly, bald, video game guy. If I'm with my friends, I'm the loud one in the corner who won't shut up about Doctor Who. But to the receptionist, the delivery man, and all the other patients in the waiting room, I'm something or someone just a little bit broken. I'm someone who desperately wants something he can't have. I'm someone who's most intimate, personal part of him isn't working. And while the doctors say there's nothing wrong with either of us, we're still in the waiting room, stuck in the dream where you walk into work naked.

I try to pretend it isn't weird, but it's weird. It's not as weird as these psychotic and sad people, but it's weird.

I'm looking forward to an unweird life. This experience has forever marked us, though. We'll always be that couple. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with telling our story. I'm okay with answering questions. I'd like to hear other people's stories. But nothing will ever cure this weirdness -- nothing, I imagine, but the closing of this chapter and the start of the next one.

-=S

Third Thursday

Thursday is not my favorite day of the week. I’ll admit it. I may be prejudice against it, but I am not a fan of Thursdays. Thursday for me is like everyone else’s Monday. If I am going to be inexplicably running late, it will be Thursday. If I am running late AND have an 8:30 am meeting, it will be Thursday. It started back when I worked at summer camp. Thursday evenings were staff social night and for some reason I would usually get thrown in the pool fully dressed by my then boyfriend (current husband). There is just something about Thursday that has not sat right with me ever since.

So in an effort to brighten my outlook on the day, I picked Thursday to be the day for my church group to meet. You know, something to look forward to. A pre-weekend bright spot.

This blog has, so far, focused on our adoption journey. The missing piece has been: why we are pursuing adoption now? Scott and I have always talked about having a child and then adopting our second child. That was the plan at least. After two years of “trying” and six months of Clomid treatments (not fun) we have been unable to conceive. It has been a bittersweet two years. We have watched our friends, co-workers, and distant acquaintances conceive and have babies. We’ve been blessed to be part of the miraculous arrivals of our new “niece” and “nephews.” It is touching to be so close with people that you are invited to meet their child when he/she is only hours old. It has also been sad for us to watch from the sidelines.

Infertility. It is a word I have avoided. And I am the one who argues that words only have power if you let them. Well I have let it intimidate me. It is a lonely place because you don’t really want to talk about it, no one else does either. You feel like you must be the only one. When I pause to think rationally though, I know that I am not the only one. I can’t be. If I am hurting and feeling this sense of loss (can you miss something you never had?) there are other people who are feeling this too.

So I finally built up the courage to do what God has been calling me to do for some time: Start a support group for women experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss. It is a small, slowly growing group. It feels good to reach out to someone else. So, on the third Thursday of each month at 7pm you will find me with a small group in an upstairs room of the Collegedale Community Church, making someone’s Thursday a little better. Maybe even my own.

BOOK REPORT: One Big Happy Family

One Big Happy Family edited by Rebecca Walker

This book is a compellation of essays by 18 different writers about their families. Readers get a glimpse into the lives of “polyamory, open adoption, mixed marriage, househusbandry, single motherhood and other realities of truly modern love.” I can’t say I agree with all of the chosen lifestyles, but I did enjoy the journey through families very different from my own. I found a lot a can agree with and some things that definitely challenged me. The Vachons of Equally Shared Parenting even made a cameo.

I would recommend this as a good read for those who are exploring just what they want their family to be. It can be a challenge to re-imagine what a family is. The Bible says “. . . man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 NIV). This coming together is creating a new thing, a new family. One that can take all the good from both their families and create something entirely new. The challenge is to learn from the less-than-good things and implement that learning into the functioning of the new family. Our pre-marital counselor started the discussion of what our families are and were. This exercise has grown into an ongoing conversation of how we want our new family to function.

Polyamory, not for us, but does seem to work for Jenny Block and her spouse. Open adoption or househusbandry, now those could be an option. It is interesting to see an exploration of different family systems; it is refreshing for them to be presented by those who believe in them the most. Overall a pleasant read and a nice break from strictly adoption related material.

--K

Hurry Up! Wait! Faster! Stop!

It was on film sets that I got used to the "hurry up and wait" work ethic. You may have experienced it yourself. I have certainly found it taking various forms in other parts of my life (doctor's offices, concerts, theatrical productions, pregnancy, the adoption process).

On a film set, you have these groups of people, and each group has a very specialized task that no-one else can do and everyone else is dependent on them doing. There are times the entire production will come to a grinding halt for the want of a light bulb. If your job Light Bulb Technician, then when that light goes out, you become the most important person on the set. And you, not wanting to waste anyone's time, rush over to said light bulb and work as fast and hard as you can so that everyone else can return to work. With your job done, you go back to your corner and wait for another light bulb to go out.

Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait.

We've done our part. And now we're waiting. We're doing our best to stay busy and productive, but there's only so much you can do and we're really darn close to that point. We're filling out paper work and gathering important documents so that if and when we get the call, we'll be ready for our home study.

When we first made the decision to adopt, we buzzed every which way, gathering everything we could. We didn't want to be caught unprepared for the fastest adoption process ever. But now we have everything we need. We could bring home a child tomorrow and would only want for a few extra changes of clothes (as we don't know the size or age of the child we'll be adding to our family, we've only bought a few outfits, a couple in various sizes).

But now we wait.

Will the call come tomorrow?

We wait.

We wait.

We wait.

-=S

BOOK REPORTS:

You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley.

I paid full price for this book, new from Barnes and Noble. I love the feel of getting to be the first person to open a book. To be the first to crease the spine. It is a rare treat to read a NEW book when one’s DH works at a used book store. It must be savored. So I have taken a really (embarrassingly) long time finishing this book. That is my excuse and I am sticking with it. It was worth the money.

This is a good getting-started-in-the-adoption-process book. This book breaks down the process step by step – Can I do this? Domestic vs. international? Where to start? What do I do with the child once I get him/her? What could go wrong? It is broken up into nice short sections. Question then answer. And check lists, oh how I love lists. Interspersed with that is pictures of ADORABLE babies and stories about real adoptions. The stories really ground the book, which can be a bit intimidating, in a sense that this will all work out in the end. I would recommend it.

Equally Shared Parenting, by Marc and Amy Vachon

On the other hand, having a DH who works at a used book store means that I can get LOTS of books really cheap. (Not that that fact has stopped either of us from buying brand new, full price children’s books.) It is a luxury to pick up a book just because you like the cover art with only pennies committed to the purchase price. That is the case with Equally Share Parenting. I honestly picked it up because it has shoes on it. Three pairs of converse – two adult sized and one child sized pair of converse. I might like shoes nearly as much as books.

Equally Share Parenting sets out a paradigm for managing one’s family that really is equal between both partners, not just a division of roles. One partner is not an apprentice housekeeper or second-string wage earner. Both parents are expected to take full ownership of all household, breadwinning and child rearing tasks. Both parents are expected to be equally competent at all tasks. This frees both parents to enjoy time with their family.

Sounds like having your cake and eating it too. The trick is prioritizing the family over an individual career or certain wage level. Both partners are encouraged to be “artisan” workers so they can bargain for fewer hours or flexible work schedules rather than more money and increasing responsibility. Corporate America beware: you might not like workers who use their bargaining chips for less work time rather than more money. Equally Share Parenting teaches balanced living with a focus on living within one’s means. Honestly, who can argue with that? Who really needs a wipe warmer?

The tag line is “Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents.” I’m not sure it is a new idea, but the Vachons articulated it well. I would recommend it.

--K

Keeping Busy

Waiting. I don’t like it. I have never really been a patient person. Creative? Yes. Ingenuity? I’ve got that. Patience? Not so much. I am a do-er. The quickest way to get something done is to tell me that it can’t be done or that it will take forever. So waiting on a baby in a situation that is utterly beyond my control is nerve wracking (wrecking? either is applicable).

I find myself going back to God multiple times a day and giving this whole adoption thing back to him. “Sorry, God, I know I said I trusted you to take care of this and gave it over to you, but I forgot and took it back again. Here it is again. I know you will take care of it. I trust in your plan which is bigger and better than anything I could think of.” Repeat. My mom says I have “control issues.” I guess she may be right, don’t tell her though. At least I am praying.

It this state of __________ (insert word for: excitement, anxiety, upheaval, tension, and impatience) I find myself making lists. List of items baby needs. List of items I say baby needs but really I want. List of items we already have and no longer need/want. List of items we don’t have. List of people/organizations that I have talked with or need to talk to who might connect us to a birth mother. List of topics to research further. Look at that. I just made a list of lists.

Waiting is hard. But I do find this time very exciting and full of hope. Like something really big is about to happen. I really appreciate all of the prayers and thoughts from all of our friends and family.

-K