Things I Have Learned Through Infertility

1. It is okay to feel sad, angry, lonely, or jealous. But not okay to let those feelings consume you or define you.
2. Ice cream with friends makes things a little brighter.
3. Having friends who take you out for ice cream after failed fertility treatments are WONDERFUL.
4. It is okay to say no to invitations to baby showers or other events. The friends and family who love you will understand. Those who don’t, don’t really matter.
5. Laughter is good. Laughter about dark or sad things is even funnier.
6. My husband and God love me more than I always understand.
7. It does not make me less of a woman, no matter what the monologue in my head says.
8. I am not the only one who is or has gone through this. More people than you know or imagine have experienced being reproductively challenged. You just need to reach out.
9. It is good to be busy.
10. You will reach a point where occasionally you won’t be thinking about it or counting days since ovulation. That still doesn’t mean you will get pregnant, despite what “they say.”
11. People without children get to stay out late, sleep in, be spontaneous, go on overnight trips, go to movies, spend money on themselves, take dance lessons, go on dates, takes naps, buy Nerf guns to have battles in the living room, buy Legos just because they are cool, watch DVDs uninterrupted, and eat whatever they want.

How About It?

Some friends recently expressed that they were excited to see us as parents as they felt that we deserve to have a baby and would be great parents. I don’t say that to brag, but to say, I hope we are as good of people as these friends think we are. Their faith in us is inspiring.

We’ve not posted in a couple months because we have been thinking. Thinking and talking don’t usually go together, at least for me. Those friends got us thinking about surrogacy.

Would we consider it?

Well, we would. We did.

We had decided even before we got married that IVF was not for us. We would prefer to spend that money, time, and emotional energy on adoption. But surrogacy with the option of being a significantly cheaper and with none of those crazy-lady inducing fertility drugs, now that could be an option. Did you know the internet sells convenient DIY kits for intra-vaginal insemination? Yup. Who would have thought?

That would mean asking a woman to donate her egg and carry her and Scott’s baby. That is a lot to ask of someone. That would be partially her child. That would be her son or daughter’s half sibling. That would be Scott’s baby with another woman. Could I and that hypothetical biological mother handle it? Sara and Hagar did not handle it with grace. Would I care once that baby was in my arms? Not sure, maybe.

It might not be so hard to find someone to carry our embryo. Even that would be a huge thing for someone to do. But we won’t do IVF, remember? The cost, the gamble, the crazy hormones. If we were considering IVF we would try it ourselves first; because remember, there is nothing wrong with either of us. We should be able to conceive and carry a pregnancy. So we are left with asking a surrogate to donate her egg and body. That is more than a 9 month commitment. That is a life-time commitment. That is more than we can ask of anyone.

So that’s us considering it.

-K

That I Would be Good

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good

-Alanis Morissette

I had a realization the other day (read: a couple months ago) when I was driving home. I am tired of feeling the way I have. I am tired of being in this place where there is something I want and desire, but where I have no way to affect my ability to get it. Tired of being sad about being out of control of the situation. I am just done with it.

If I can’t change the situation, I am at least ready to start accepting it.

That I would be good even if we don’t have a baby.

That I would be good even if I can’t have a baby.

That I would be confident even if I am not the person I thought I was or want to be.

2012 is already a brighter year.

-K