The Next Chapter: The Podcast!

Having blogged about our family's journey for over two years, we decided it was time for a reboot!  The blog has become a podcast!

The first couple of episodes will cover some of the same material we've covered in the blog, but with both of us chiming in at the same time (while trying not to talk over one another), hopefully we'll be able to cover the subjects more completely.  Each episode will begin with an update on our how family is doing now and then will move into a particular subject and book reviews and, really, a lot of what we've been doing here on this blog.  This is just our first episode, so I fully expect the structure of the podcast to evolve.

It is currently available to download and streaming at Podbean.com.  It has been submitted to iTunes and should be available there shortly.  It is our belief we will be able to reach more people through the podcast medium and keep some of these important conversations going -- though if all we accomplish is letting people they are not alone, then the podcast and the blog has done its job.

Also, for you readers out there, we don't plan on retiring the blog any time soon.  We'll still post things here, though I suspect the majority of our content is going to move to the podcast.

UPDATE!!

We are now on iTunes!  Subscribe!  Share!  Rate!

Book Review: Parenting With Love and Logic

I read this book after hearing about it and the application of the Love and Logic principles on the Foster Parenting Podcast I listen too. Despite Scott working for a book store I paid full price and bought this one from B&N (Which apparently must bother me since I mention it every time I buy a full-price book).

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Kline and Jim Fay offers the principle of teaching children responsibility by allowing them to practice making choices and living with the consequences. Kline and Fay argue that responsibility is not a talent, but a learned, practiced skill. They suggest that by making choices and then living with the natural consequences of those choices children learn how to think through choices. I am all for natural consequences so that makes sense to me. Kline and Fay say that parents should not fight battles they cannot win. You can’t make a child stop throwing a tantrum but you can make them do it in another room away from you.  You might not be able to force a kid to eat this meal, but by empowering them to choose to not eat this meal they will surely by ready to eat by the time the next meal rolls around.

The book is laid out in two parts – the explanation of the philosophy and the practical application of that philosophy. Kline and Fay offer practical responses to 48 common parenting issues like grades, chores, bad language, getting ready for school, going to church and taking care of belongings. Kline and Fay argue that allowance is a tool to teach children the value of money and should not dependent on a child doing their chores. Chores are not optional; chores are a given. Everyone is expected to pitch in to the maintenance of the family’s home.

At times they get a bit judge-y about topics such as pacifiers, television time and video games. Their bias comes out on these topics and they fail to offer concrete advice on how to teach logic or allow personal choice with resulting consequences.

The pacifier chapter seems to the one most directed towards toddlers while many of the others are more appropriate to school age children or teenager. Kline and Fay argue that pacifiers are not natural and should not be allowed beyond infancy as it can become an addiction. Maybe they didn’t put a lot of time or thought into the pacifier chapter (it was only one page), but again it seems to miss the point. They don’t formulate the argument against pacifiers well except to stress that a child sucking a pacifier is not “cute.” They suggest that parents have a hard time encouraging their children to out-right quit sucking a pacifier, but the parent can control where the sucking occurs. So the parent should ask the toddler to leave the room if he/she must suck on the pacifier. I’m not a huge pacifier promoter but I do appreciate the welcome calm it can bring to my friends kids. Maybe they should have left this chapter out since it is somewhat of a controversial topic and they didn’t have a solid foundation for their objections.

Video Games. Maybe this is sensitive topic in our house because we are both gamers, as two creators of media we are also consumers of media, and, oh, half our income comes from the sale of video games.  Kline and Fay suggest discussing video games with the children to prompt thought on amount of time and content of the video games. That sounds reasonable. They spend several pages discussing video game addiction. Okay maybe this book is not the time or place, but possibly relevant (maybe). They then end the chapter stating “Certainly though, many parents handle the issue the simple way: from the time the children are young they simply do not have video games in the home. We applaud those folks!” This concluding thought misses the point of allowing children to choose and then allowing children to practice appropriate boundaries and self control.

I generally agree with the philosophy that responsibility can be taught by allowing children to practice making good choices then allowing them to suffer the consequences when they are young; however I finished this book with a rather sour taste in my mouth. I feel like the book was not specific enough to any particular age group, but in some aspects it was too limited to the writers’ biases. I’d love for someone else to read it so I can discuss with them, but I don’t enthusiastically want to recommend that anyone spend a lot of time on it.

Instead go back and read Equally Shared Parenting by Marc and Amy Vachon. It was fantastic! I got it for cheap and would be happy to loan it out.

--K

Stuck - Making Babies Book Report

It seems we have been very busy since the IUI in June. I had some rather unexpected (by me at least) side-effects following the fertility medications, but I think I am now past those completely. I sure hope so. We’ve celebrated my 27^th birthday this month and we have been very busy seeing our friends and family. I also did a 5K mud-run to celebrate my birthday so there was time spent preparing for and recovering from that. This weekend we stayed with my extended family in a cabin in Georgia. This included a lot of laughter and good food. Sabbath morning I snuck out before anyone else was up and did a short run around the lake. I listened to hymns on my iPod and was really touched by the cool, quiet beauty. It ended up being one of the most refreshing times I have had in a while. I felt a certain peace as I climbed the hill back up to the cabin. Like I was given something of a promise from God that he is on this path with us and has a plan for us even if I feel like we are stuck waiting.

Stuck. The word keeps coming up. Stuck in the mud. Feeling a bit stuck and out of control in life. It came up again in a book recommended by a friend. This month I have read Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility by Sami S. David, MD and Jill Blakeway, L.Ac. Turns out, according to this book, I am stuck. More on that in a bit.

Dr. David and Blakeway (in case you don’t know, “L.Ac” mean licensed acupuncturist), a fertility specialty team from New York, outline their method to “support a woman’s ability to bear a child with just enough helped to get nature to do its thing.” They argue that in many cases there is a better way to help couples conceive than the “aggressive surgical, pharmacological, and technological intervention[s]” being offered by many fertility specialists. David and Blakeway lay out a plan that helps couples optimize their fertility. They don’t take an adversarial position towards Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), but they take the position that the cost and risk are, many times, not necessary. They argue that Western medicine and Chinese medicine working hand in hand can improve fertility without the expense or side effects (and risks) of ART. David and Blakeway critique western medicine for catering to a desire for instant gratification with a one-size-fits-all approach. They argue that the strength of Chinese medicine is its focus on considering the person as a whole.

The Making Babies program tells patients to eat well, de-stress, and take their vitamins. They go on to identify 5 fertility types and detail the steps for each type to maximize their fertility. The 5 types are Tired, Dry, Stuck, Pale, and Waterlogged. These types are inspired by the patterns used in traditional Chinese medicine. They then detail the steps each type should take to optimize their fertility. They suggest that a couple take a 3-month “Pre-mester” to prepare their bodies to conceive and support a pregnancy by implementing these steps.

As I said before, my type is Stuck. David and Blakeway outline foods to eat and foods to avoid; they talk about exercise, lifestyle choices and supplements that will help optimize fertility. I really appreciate the practical, specific advice and achievable steps they offer. I really appreciate that this offers solutions that are not expensive, invasive medical procedures or fertility drugs. Who can really argue with eating more vegetables, exercising more, taking vitamins, and reducing stress? We decided to give it a try. So, more vegetables and vitamins for the Foggs!

I would recommend this book for the reproductively challenged, those who are starting to try and want to be as healthy as possible to conceive, and especially physicians. This book gives you the tools, knowledge and vocabulary to improve your fertility and partner with your doctor to find the plan of action that works best for you. You can find out more about the Making Babies program here or order the book here.

--K

BOOK REPORT: Freakanomics and Cinderella Ate My Daughter

Freakanomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner and Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. I’m not sure how many people would put these two books together and on top of that call them both must-read parenting books, but I would and I do. These books came highly recommended after a very interesting debate with some beloved friends. I feel a bit smarter for having read both.

The first is a collaboration between a journalist and an economist. Levitt and Dubner take on issues (among others) such as “Does what you name your child affect his success in life?” “Does the number of books in your home help your child be more successful?” The answer to both turns out to be a surprising “No.” Both are actually indicators (rather than causes) of a child’s socioeconomic status which plays a bigger role than many other factors in a child’s future success. I’m sure the writers did not intend this to be a parenting book, but it presents answers to many issues that parents will care about and actually may make parenting a bit less stressful. BTW, I know I must be the last person in the world to read this book since it came out in 2005.

In the second, Orenstein confronts the princess and pink culture created for girls by juggernaut Disney and others out to market their goods to your daughters. The most interesting part of this book is when she takes a break from hating on Disney, Nickelodeon and Mattel to really explore the reasons (aside from nearly 24/7 marketing campaigns) that girls are so drawn to the whole pretty-pretty-princess thing. Turns out it may have more to do with a developmental period around ages 3-6 when girls (and boys) are trying to understand the permanence of gender, rather than the hypothesis that girls just like pink. She cites studies that are investigating the natural differences between boys and girls. She discusses how same- and cross- gender play helps children develop. I would have liked her to spend more time on discussion of self-esteem development despite the influences of our consumer culture, but maybe she covered that in her first book Schoolgirls.

The book appears thoroughly researched with quite the bibliography, but reads like it was written by an intelligent women who has been driven slightly mad by too many hours of the Disney Channel. The tone of the book fluctuates from militaristic feminist to rational discussion. Feels like it was written fast and not really edited for consistency of tone. But it was good enough that I read it in less than a week, and I would be willing read more of her work.

Neither book is written by a psychologist, but rather by journalists examining problems they see in the world. I feel like Orenstein’s book may be making a mountain out of a mole hill, while Freakanomics does just the opposite.

--K

BOOK REPORT: One Big Happy Family

One Big Happy Family edited by Rebecca Walker

This book is a compellation of essays by 18 different writers about their families. Readers get a glimpse into the lives of “polyamory, open adoption, mixed marriage, househusbandry, single motherhood and other realities of truly modern love.” I can’t say I agree with all of the chosen lifestyles, but I did enjoy the journey through families very different from my own. I found a lot a can agree with and some things that definitely challenged me. The Vachons of Equally Shared Parenting even made a cameo.

I would recommend this as a good read for those who are exploring just what they want their family to be. It can be a challenge to re-imagine what a family is. The Bible says “. . . man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 NIV). This coming together is creating a new thing, a new family. One that can take all the good from both their families and create something entirely new. The challenge is to learn from the less-than-good things and implement that learning into the functioning of the new family. Our pre-marital counselor started the discussion of what our families are and were. This exercise has grown into an ongoing conversation of how we want our new family to function.

Polyamory, not for us, but does seem to work for Jenny Block and her spouse. Open adoption or househusbandry, now those could be an option. It is interesting to see an exploration of different family systems; it is refreshing for them to be presented by those who believe in them the most. Overall a pleasant read and a nice break from strictly adoption related material.

--K

BOOK REPORT: Two Little Girls

Just finished reading Theresa Reid’s Two Little Girls: A Memoir of Adoption. I’ve read this in a matter of 2 days, partly because I spent a day in an airplane traveling across our country and partly because it was so good.

Reid tells the story of her and her husband’s journey to adopt two little girls, one from Russia and one from Ukraine. The first adoption goes without a hitch and the Reids adopt a lovely girl who was “the princess of the orphanage” in Russia. In their quest to adopt a sister for little Natalie they go through horrible false-starts and spend a ridiculous amount of money. They change agencies halfway through the process, then change back and then change again. They have to cancel their trip and their commitment to a girl in Kazakhstan right after September 11, 2001 makes it unsafe for them to get to her. They finally, many years later, and after weeks spent in Ukraine, bring home, not the girl they traveled to retrieve, but an entirely different little girl with questionable medical problems.

Reid’s tale ends well with a happy, well adjusting family. But along the way you see the trauma and vulnerability her family suffers. This is not a story for the faint of heart. There is a lot of pain, doubt, and tough decisions that are made. There is an emotional depth to this book that comes only from living through the journey.

Reid is an excellent writer who is able to capture both the excitement and fear of the adoption journey. She unabashedly exposes her egocentric fears and insecurities. Which we all have, but rarely deign to admit. She addresses the dissonance involved in specifying what kind of child you want and can parent while wanting to do good for “the needy children in the world.” She shows families who are willing to overcome all odds to grow their family, and she shows families who make the heart wrenching decision to walk away from a child they have committed to. I’m not sure how many families have the resources or funds to go through such an exhaustive search for their child. She not only details her own experience in the tone of a dramatic saga, but integrates her personal research. She confronts our societal biases towards adoption and families created by adoption. You can tell she is a very well educated woman, and her candidness is refreshing in a genre of books that can sometimes be a little touchy-feely or a little too superficial to provide comfort through a difficult journey.

She includes a lengthy and annotated “Adoption Resources” section at the back of the book which looks to be a trove of thoughtful and intelligent books and organizations.

I would recommend this book to someone already committed and determined to adopt, no matter what the odds. It might scare you off if you were not convinced of the way ahead. It makes me glad that we have decided to do a domestic adoption rather than search the world over for our baby. While I’m sure domestic adoption has the same potential for agony, at least I will be able to go through it with my support system a phone call away and with the conveniences of the American hospitality industry at my disposal.

-K

BOOK REPORT: Successful Adoption

I had the last two days off work due to a gout flare up (something I'm thankful to not be passing on) and took hours of immobility as an opportunity to do some reading. While I have a stack of graphic novels calling my name, I was a little surprised to find myself reaching over that stack for Successful Adoption: A Guide for Christian Families, by Natalie Nichols Gillespie.

If I were to review the book in one sentence, I would say, "this is a great book for any Christian who is considering adoption." But I am not a man of few words.

The book strives to serve many purposes and chief amongst them convincing the reader that "yes, you can do this!" The early chapters dispel myths and rumors, and help the reader believe that adoption really can be for anybody with an open heart. While I appreciate the sentiment, it was the early chapters I found myself skimming through the most.

Kelly and I have already had the conversations detailed in the first two chapters of this book. When I sat down to read this, we were already in the proofreading stages of our letter to the prospective birth mother. We've already decided that we want to go with a domestic adoption. We've already spoken to an attorney. We've already started putting money aside for a home study. So the first two chapters (collected into Part 1 of the book) never felt like there were talking to me. They were talking to someone else, who was still on the fence on whether or not they wanted to adopt.

Part 2 of the book (there are six parts, total) became more interesting, but it wasn't until Part 3/Chapter 7 that I really started to receive answers to the questions I had -- or, as it was also, I was given the questions I should have. But even then, I found myself skimming sections of the book that were clearly not intended for me, which leads me to my biggest gripe about the book.

While there are large portions devoted to domestic adoption, the author seems to believe the reader was going to be involved in an international adoption. Far more time was spent addressing concerns and issues an adoptive family will run into adopting a child from another country than than concerns a family might have adopting locally.

For example: I'm not worried about learning my child's birth language, as I'm assuming we'll be adopting from somewhere in Tennessee or Georgia (and we generally speak the same language). I am, however, concerned about living within driving distance of the birth parents. What if we run into them? Or what if, by some strange occurrence, we go to the same church?

So that was a little off-putting, as were typos. I didn't notice any in the early chapters, but as the book went on, I found more and more typos. Sometimes words were missing from sentences, sometimes sentences had extra words and once I even found the wrong "here" being used.

But those nit-picks and gripes aside, it's a good book. I appreciated the author's concern and challenge to not only prepare your home and your bank account, but prepare your heart. Every chapter ends with a checklist of questions you're going to want to address and a testimony from someone who has adopted or has been adopted. It was written to be read beforehand (so you'll know what potholes are in the road before you), so now that I've read it, I don't feel particularly compelled to keep it on hand. It's not really a go-to book.

Overall, I'm glad I read it. It gave me some things to think about and consider. I would recommend it to anyone who's ever considered adoption but isn't actively pursuing it.

-S